I had a dream last night about Matt, he still had his wry sense of humor and everyone who was in the dream had great fun. It was such a relief to get to see him again, even though it was only in a dream, and I look forward to the next time we meet. Even though I have to feel the pain of waking up to reality at the end of it, all I have apart from pictures and memories are dreams, and so I cherish them as some of the few chances I have to see him again.
He is dearly missed by so many people, and it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
It is hard to describe how precious Matt was to me and my family. We loved him; we loved being with him. He was a shining light in our lives. I loved seeing him and Nate and Deb and my daughters and their husbands together. Theirs was a unique bond of shared DNA, brilliance, humor, unconditional delight in each other and nurturing based on a mutual understanding of our families and our lives.
It was exciting to see Matt as an adult, so successful, so kind, so effective in engaging his clients and colleagues in creating the building blocks for meaningful lives and careers. No wonder they, too, loved him so much.
Now that I look back on our recent time together, I can sense that he was struggling with life. In stead of allowing him to laugh everything off, I wish I had stopped right then and there and sought entry into his private suffering. I wish he had given us a chance to reach him. I wish I had not teased him about that ridiculous hat.
With Matt’s passing, one of the great lights of the world has gone out; for everone who knew and loved him, life will never be the same.
Thank you so much, Em, for this beautiful website, which is such an incredible tribute to Matt. I miss him every day. Every time I read something funny that he might appreciate, or want a sympathetic ear for my political outrage, or just need some of that special Matt spin on the world that made life bearable, my first impulse is to call him; and then I feel the tragedy of this loss all over again. Remembering him with others who loved him is the only thing that helps.
I WAS MATTS’ TEENAGE FRIEND AND HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE. AFTER MANY YEARS OF NOT HAVING BEEN IN TOUCH, WE HAD IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF CAUGHT UP AGAIN. HE SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL, LOVING HIS JOB AND CALIFORNIA LIFE. I FEEL SO BAD THAT I DIDN’T REALISE HE WAS PERHAPS SUFFERING. HE WAS A TRUE FRIEND AND HAD SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER THE WORLD. I AM GLAD THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TOUCH SO MANY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA, AS HE DID IN MINNEAPOLIS. IT IS A LOSS I WILL NEVER FORGET.
I didn’t know Matt but have been touched by his story and the outpouring of responses from his former students and colleagues. I hope that the memorial service and efforts such as this wonderful tribute site will help to offer solace to those who were close to him. Thank you, and best wishes, John.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~Kahlil Gibran
Music has been an important part of my life and I’ve appreciated Matt sharing his music with me. I will miss those conversations and experiences in life with him. I can’t help thinking of him playing air guitar every time I hear certain songs on the radio.
I loved Matt as a friend. He was very nice and had a great sense of humor. He would always make me laugh as we played karate and even when we did’nt play he was always a comedien. I know he is happy and is wanting us to be happy with him.Matt was a great guyand still is.
As I am 2,000 miles away, I hope the memorial service for Matt went well and provided a positive outlet for those in attendance, especially those who were closest to Matt. Maybe somebody who was able to attend will post here. Thank you and best wishes, John.
I’m a friend from college of Matt’s little brother Nate. I was shocked to hear the news. It was always fun when he’d visit Nate at school, and then subsequently in Chicago as well. Matt was, and after college I realized it wasn’t merely because he was older than we were, much cooler than a big brother should be expected to be.
Matt and I played many characters in each others lives these past 20 years. He was an Amazing man and in the end one of my best friends that I ever could have asked for.
I remember him singing U2’s song ONE in our Apartment. He was a Rock Star even if the credentials didn’t say it. Gosh, he always could make me smile…….
My parents, sisters and I will never forget the deep souled man we knew. We loved him dearly.
Matt would want us to play now and never to forget to have some fun.
Love and Miss you Matthew……..
Annie
All of us always joked about Matt’s quarterly (actually more than that) visits to Chicago to visit Nate and see Brother Lowdown, but the truth is, we lived for his visits — and wondered what kind of shirt and hat (trucker, cowboy, bowler…) he’d pull out of the closet for the occasion. His style definitely put me to sham. One thing that always makes me smile is remembering how he and Nate and Deb decided they needed to take me out for a proper bachelorette party, and so we went to the towniest of townie bars in our old neighborhood, and Matt — who was probably the most self-consciously cool guy among us — went up to the bar with the tatooed roller derby chicks and ordered lemon drop shots because it’s what I should’ve been having at a proper bachelorette party. He told me I should appreciate how embarrassing it was as he served it. I did.
My husband — who knew Matt even longer than I did — and I are in Minneapolis now, and I feel sad that it’s a place that we’ll never really know through his eyes (aside from a roadtrip to one very drunken Jayhawks show and night on the town that we spent with him, Deb and Nate about five years ago). I envy the people who lived in this town when he was here because I imagine they were all cooler for having known somebody like him.
And I thank the people who we met at his memorial service who emphasized totally different parts of his existence. It’s especially touching to know what an impact he had on his students and colleagues and random people in San Luis Obispo (from the super-prominent to the far from prominent — which is really such a testament to the kind of guy he always will be).
Hope to meet some of you who are posting here at some point. We’ll have some really good stories to tell, I’m sure. (And he would’ve been incredibly embarrassed about us discussing him general, but you know what? That’s all right.)
I didn’t get anywhere near enough time with Matt. I know we all feel that way. I met Matt, Nate and Deb 7 or 8 years ago, because our parents were dating and later got married. We were grown adults at the time and could have easily not been involved with each others’ lives, but that was not the case. We connected right away and have had so much fun over the years. I always thought I was U2’s biggest fan, until I met Matt! The last time I saw Matt we had a wonderful dinner and visit at Peter’s aunt’s home in Los Osos. Matt loved it, and we all loved him!
Like Emily, I had a dream about Matt last night. It was the first one since he died. He was still alive, but he was struggling with life. He came to me to ask for help, knowing i am a social worker, perhaps, but hopefully because he knew I would never turn him away. In my dream he asked me to do whatever it took to help him, he didn’t want to be in pain anymore. It was so good to see him and to be able to help him, even though it was just a dream. One of my friends who lost her mom to suicide just after we got out of college told me, “it’s never something you ‘get over,’ you just ‘get through it’ and you keep getting through it day after day.” I think it’s so true. We are all changed forever now and we will all “Walk On” with our beautiful memories, and support from everyone who loved Matt. Thank you all for sharing your honest and moving testimonials at the memorial (thank you, Emily, for posting a few of them) and for your comments here. It has helped me to be able to come to the site to feel closer to people touched by Matt, to see his picture, and remember his contribution to all of our lives. Be well, you are all in my thoughts!
Thanks for your post. A comment you made really struck me… “it’s never something you ‘get over,’ you just ‘get through it’ and you keep getting through it day after day.” I lost a parent and have to say that what you say describes accurately what it’s like. Thank you also to all of you who posted on the memorial service. I wish I could have attended.
Please help to make Matt’s the last suicide at the Cold Spring Canyon Bridge. Go to this website: stopthetragedy.org. Contact the area officials who might be able to help place suicide barriers on the bridge. The website was set up by Matt’s cousin, Jennifer, and you may help to prevent future suicides at that site.
I am so sorry to hear about Matt. I am now so sad and confused myself. I was Matt’s neighbor at the University of Minnesota. We later dated after I returned from living in Germany. He always made me laugh and I truly respected him. He has always been present in my mind.
Lost touch with Matt 20 years ago on the last day of high school. I bet at least once a year I’ve found myself thinking back and wondering how Matt was and what he was up to.
We had good times together, mostly working on our comically inept basketball skills during free hours.
Have spent the better part of the morning listening to old U2 disks and remembering those days fondly.
Thanks much to the family and friends for the words and pictures on the web site. It was a great way to visit with him one last time after all these years.
I miss my older brother Matt more than I can put into words. I saw Okkervil River the other night, and I nearly lost it. Matt would have loved their latest, and he and I would have picked through it note by note and word by word by the time I went to the show. And then they played “John Allyn Smith Sails.” Damn.
Like a lot of you, I’m sure, I’m yet to have more than a moment where I’m not actively thinking about him. Normally on a day like this, we would have talked on the phone, possibly planning his next trip out to Chicago. I would’ve annoyed him with Onion, Pitchfork and political news forwards. And, without a doubt, he would have made some comment or joke that would have made me laugh my ass off.
Emily, thanks so much for putting this wonderful site together. Mom and Jenny, thanks for your tireless work to ensure that a barrier will be built at the Cold Spring Arch Bridge. And thanks to everyone for your messages here and for your support. Matt would have been so embarrassed by this outpouring of emotion, but so flattered, too.
Today is December 30th. I am really missing Matt a lot today. And I know for those of us in Chicago, he is really on our minds right now. Matt always came here for New Years. It was the best. The only hard part was keeping up with him for the time he was here. Nate and I used to joke about running out of energy by New Year’s Eve because we’d be out with Matt the three nights before. I was lying in bed this morning trying to think of all the New Years we have all celebrated together. I know Matt was here for at least the last 4 or 5. Going backwards: Jason’s party (right?), Graham and Rebecca’s party (first time we met Jill), Raconteurs/breakfast at Nate and Deb’s/bowling/party at Lisa and I’s, and last year at G & R’ then the Hideout. Was Matt also here for Flaming Lips? I miss him big time today and I can’t get over the feeling that he should be here. I am going to try and take my own advice and concentrate on celebrating the time I had with him. Parties are not as fun when you’re missing the rockstar, but at least we can say we knew him when.
I will be toasting Matt this New Years, and you can be damn sure I will be toasting all of you too.
Peace and Happy New Years everyone.
This is my second attempt at this… the last submission disappeared… here it goes. I came to this website multiple times a day for about two months straight and now I come just multiple times a week. When I do visit, I’m always looking for new comments added to this – the comments – section. Today was a lucky day. Thanks so much Jamie for the comment you left above, you always seem to say the right things at the right time and I am grateful for this. I really like the idea of an open discussion about this issue as I know there are many of us out there dealing on a daily basis with this loss. Of course there is a flaw in this statement since in all of my visits to the site I have yet to contribute to this much desired dialogue…until now, (well I did about ½ hour ago but I’m not quite sure where that “comment” went).
Thoughts of Matt flood my mind and heart daily. About a month ago I went a week where this was not the case, it felt weird and quite unsettling, rest assured though, thoughts of him are back in full force. Perhaps this is partly due to what Jamie wrote about in his comment above…New Year’s Eve is at hand and there will be a gaping hole in the festivities this year. Last night though, I was lucky enough to be with Matt via a dream and I took the opportunity to grab a hug. Since we were with a large group of people playing some sort of lawn game and it was clearly inappropriate, I prepared him first by saying, “I know this is weird and perhaps a bit out of line, and I hope I do not embarrass you, but I’m going to hug you.” And I did. I’ve been cherishing it all day and I’m hoping this feeling will last long enough to support me though the next few days without him until we are successfully into the new year. And I know Jamie, you are right, we should be celebrating all of the many New Year’s escapades we shared with Matt, and I will try, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s going to be hard.
One positive bi-product of all of this is that many of you now are consistently in my thoughts and in my heart too. Thank you, for from that I gather strength in knowing I am not alone in this and please realize that neither are you. Happy New Year to you all and may we dialogue more over the next year.
Matt, I miss you and can’t help but wonder what you would have pulled out of the wardrobe this year for the big night…something smashing and well accessorized no doubt. My first beer’s for you.
Hi everyone! Oh, Deb, I do the EXACT same thing that you do! Wow, I feel so normal now … also, down to several times a week from several times a day here looking for new “comments.” I actually never got to spend New Year’s with Matt, but you better believe I’m thinking about a week from now when Peter and I DEFINITELY would have seen Matt, Nate and Deb to celebrate Karen’s birthday. I loved those visits! Nate and Deb know how much I miss Matt during our dinners now, given my tearful departure earlier this month! In so many ways I’m glad to see 2008 go, but it was the last year I got to hang out with Matt so it’s certainly bittersweet. A lot of great things happened too, which I’m actually finally able to remember and I know Matt would appreciate that! :) Thanks for continuing the dialogue; this is the most difficult think I’ve ever been through and I’m thankful I can come here and share with all of you. Cheers everyone! Be well and live gratefully! Talk soon and Happy New Year! I’ll be toasting all of you and Matt from LA! xoxo!
I had a very vivid dream about Matt last night. First time I’ve dreamed about him in a long time. It felt so real. He talked about how he came back to talk to so many of us. He told that everything was going to be okay. He also talked about visiting Lynn as well. He had a stamp on the inside of his wrist. I asked him, “there are bars in heaven?”. He laughed.
It’s so comforting to read about other’s thoughts of Matt over the holidays ….like Deb and Karin, I’ve been checking the comments section regularly but hadn’t mustered the courage until now to leave my own. As he told Andrea, Matt did visit me in a dream recently for the first time since his death. I dreamed that he had disappeared without notice and had left his apartment as it was, and we were all looking for him, panicked. In my dream, though, he did come back after a time….and we all were able to tell him in person how much we loved him and how much he had been missed. It seemed that in my dream, he understood the “gaping hole” that Deb referred to, and really felt how much he meant to all of us.
I haven’t spent the holidays with Matt in a long time, but for the past four years, I return to San Luis in January with Lucy, the dog that he and I got together. I’ve always looked forward to being able to drop by his place with Lucy in tow, grab a drink (whenever his social calendar allowed!), go on bike rides and just have him be there as my friend. I met Matt just a few months after moving to San Luis Obispo 12 years ago, and he’s been a constant part of my life since then. This is the first year that I’m not really looking forward to my six-month stint in sunny California, because nearly everywhere I go, there will be a memory of Matt that I can no longer re-live and laugh with him about. That was such a great thing about Matt – he always reminded you of the fun you’d had, the silly things you’d done or said and the laughter started all over again.
A toast to Matt tonight, and to all of you who love him. Thanks for keeping his memory alive.
Matt was my first penfriend 30 years ago, when I was a ten year old boy in Ireland, and he was the same age, growing up in Minneapolis.
We exchanged letters for a few years, and even sent mix tapes. Then we fell out of touch. I bumped into a guy at a party in Germany who went to high school with him about 12 years later, but it was not until 2005 that we first met, when I had entered his name into a search engine (having the name ‘Aydelott’ made this research easy!), and contacted him, and so we finally met at the Minneapolis Institute of Art.
I remember feeling regretful that we had not stayed in touch, as the boy that I knew only via letters had turned out to be the kind of guy that I would want to be friends with as an adult – interesting, intelligent, literate, liberal, musically inclined, and fun to be around.
But unfortunately, life and geography intervenes, despite best intentions, and we had not been in touch much since, apart from a few emails. I discovered that he died when I thought of him again, and decided to try to contact him on facebook. My sympathies to his family and friends.
I met Matt at a party on New Years Eve (December 31st, 1987) at the house of another Breck School student. I was immediately drawn to him. We spent a fun crazy night laughing and spending time with both my friends and his. The next year I ended up going to the University of Wisconsin-Madison where was studying currently. While I have not had contact with him for 20 years, I always remembered him and kind of looked up what he was doing on the Internet. Of course I was extremely upset to learn that he had taken his life recently especially when he had so much to live for. I will truly miss him. I will always remember that crazy New Year’s Eve party when I met him. He had so much character it was impossible for me to forget him all these years. I sincerely hope that now he can find the peace he must have longed for in his life.
RIP. I have missed you and always will miss you. You were the one that got away.
Amelia
Matt and I first met when we attended Fulton Elementary in Minneapolis, and I cherish the memories of our friendship. He came across as a funny and kind-hearted guy, but also had a maturity and intelligence that amazed me. My most vivid recollection was during class, when the teacher warned the students about the upcoming solar eclipse and how important it was to not look directly at the Sun. Matt’s instant wit kicked in and he began singing Manfred Mann’s “Blinded by the Light” out loud. The classroom erupted in surprised laughter, cementing his reputation as a hilarious and instantly likable guy to all who knew him. After 6th grade Matt and I went on to different schools, and as these things sometimes go, we lost touch.
I recently learned of Matt’s passing when a mutual classmate of ours posted the news on Facebook. Despite not being in contact for over 25 years it still hit me hard, which is a testament to the impression he left. I’m so glad that this memorial became available, so that those of us who have lost touch could catch up and learn more about his remarkable life. I would like to extend my deepest condolences to his family, friends and loved ones. My thoughts are prayers are with you.
It’s been a long time since I thought about Matt and I really miss him. I was so sad when I found out I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anybody except for Matt. I wish I could have said good bye. I miss you Matt.
This morning began with Nate’s phone ringing in the other room around 7:30 am. I jumped up and went to grab it. The number displayed on the screen was one that I did not recognize…I missed answering it anyway. No message was left as far as I know. It was not lost on me though that it was at this time two years ago that Matt made that fateful final decision in his life.
So who called? It was a local number. The mystic in me can’t help but wonder if it was him. I know this sounds really out there, and interestingly more and more to me as time passes. This saddens me because I used to be a big fan of John Edwards, not the creepy politician, but the medium. (Matt and Nate always got a big kick out of that and congruously I was amused by the fact that they did not see the sliminess in the smile of that politician.) But these days I’ve just become a bit skeptical… the end of an innocence of sorts I suppose.
I remember just weeks before Matt died we were in Maine with his cousins. One day we were driving around and Matt in the back seat out of nowhere asked us all if we believed in God. He had just finished reading The God Delusion (or is it Illusion? Not sure.) We all said how we felt. I remember saying that I must believe in something because I actively talk to something or someone daily. Specifically with people in my life who have died.
In the weeks, months and now years that he has been out of reach I still do attempt to communicate with him, but can’t help but wonder if I’m just grasping at straws here to keep him a part of my life.
On my way in to work today I decided to listen to Coldplay, Viva la Vida. An album he was really into at the end of his life. One lyric says, “Those who are dead, are not dead, they’re just living in my head.” So perhaps he’s not out there per se, but instead just in my head.
I recognize though that I must have some hope/faith that he is here with us in some way or another, because I just can’t help but wonder who called Nate this morning at 7:30 am.
Today on the two-year anniversary of his death, I hope all of you touched by Matt’s life and death are well and have found ways to continue to connect with him in your lives.
Deb,
All of us here at Cuesta had our own unique experiences this past weekend of Matt letting us know he is still part of us and with us. I think he must have been busy letting all of us that love him know he loves us. Throughout the past two years we’ve all talked about our Matt moments and the smiles or sadness they bring to us.
I don’t feel you are grasping at straws to keep him part of your life that is exactly where he should be. I think of you all everyday. Take care.
I still see Matt down an alie at a grocery store, in a car. I could not attend his services at that time. I will always remember my well-dressed friend walking into a meeting just a little past meeting time, but forever the entrance.
Matt,
This weekend is the Breck 25 year reunion, you will be sorely missed. Erika Arndt is planning a tribute, we were all blessed to be a part of your life, you are truly missed.
I just wanted to leave a reminder comment about Matt. I’m sure none of us have forgotten about him and we all think about him, but I just felt compelled to post it here. I just wanted to say that Matt had such a strong influence in my life specifically in my comedic and musical side of my personality. I won’t forget the music he showed me and laughs he gave me. Cheers to Matt.
Today is ten years since Matt died. Ten years. Isn’t that hard to believe? I can still picture him with such clarity and dimension that, honestly, it seems impossible to me that he is dead. And the feeling that he is just right around the corner, that he is still smiling and waiting to crack a beer with you at any moment, that feeling is such an incredible blessing and a curse.
It’s odd, though, because I have now spent more time remembering Matt and mourning his death than I spent being part of his life. It is always a strange sensation to me when the time we spend remembering someone actually becomes a sort of life of its own. So, today, I am filled with memories of Matt and also with memories of mourning Matt. Part of me needs the space to be still and recapture sitting on Lake George with Matt the day before Nate and Deb’s wedding. But, in a strange way, part of me also needs to think back on moments like the first anniversary of his death when Deb was pregnant with Eloise and we went to the graveyard on a perfect September day to toast Matt and, of course, Mary J. Bone.
So, what does that mean? What does it mean when this life of mourning becomes a thing to mourn itself? I don’t really know. I guess, at least on one level, it means we simply didn’t have enough time with Matt, and, as a way to extend that time, we have created a new life for him.
But, I also think it means Matt wanted to be celebrated. I think it means despite all of the pain Matt was in – and the pain we all felt (and feel) in the wake of his death – he wanted to be someone who should be celebrated. Right? I mean, he is someone who should be celebrated! I hope he knew that. He must have known that.
I think this is all just a long way of saying I feel lucky to celebrate my friend Matt; I feel lucky to have such dear friends to celebrate him with; and I feel lucky we have created a Matt-filled life after his death. My heart goes out to all of you today who, in your own ways I am sure, can still feel Matt right around the corner, can still feel him about to walk in the room any second, put you at ease, and share his light.
Thank you, Matt. We knew you when, you are with us now.
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I had a dream last night about Matt, he still had his wry sense of humor and everyone who was in the dream had great fun. It was such a relief to get to see him again, even though it was only in a dream, and I look forward to the next time we meet. Even though I have to feel the pain of waking up to reality at the end of it, all I have apart from pictures and memories are dreams, and so I cherish them as some of the few chances I have to see him again.
He is dearly missed by so many people, and it is comforting to know that I am not alone.
It is hard to describe how precious Matt was to me and my family. We loved him; we loved being with him. He was a shining light in our lives. I loved seeing him and Nate and Deb and my daughters and their husbands together. Theirs was a unique bond of shared DNA, brilliance, humor, unconditional delight in each other and nurturing based on a mutual understanding of our families and our lives.
It was exciting to see Matt as an adult, so successful, so kind, so effective in engaging his clients and colleagues in creating the building blocks for meaningful lives and careers. No wonder they, too, loved him so much.
Now that I look back on our recent time together, I can sense that he was struggling with life. In stead of allowing him to laugh everything off, I wish I had stopped right then and there and sought entry into his private suffering. I wish he had given us a chance to reach him. I wish I had not teased him about that ridiculous hat.
With Matt’s passing, one of the great lights of the world has gone out; for everone who knew and loved him, life will never be the same.
Thank you so much, Em, for this beautiful website, which is such an incredible tribute to Matt. I miss him every day. Every time I read something funny that he might appreciate, or want a sympathetic ear for my political outrage, or just need some of that special Matt spin on the world that made life bearable, my first impulse is to call him; and then I feel the tragedy of this loss all over again. Remembering him with others who loved him is the only thing that helps.
I WAS MATTS’ TEENAGE FRIEND AND HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATE. AFTER MANY YEARS OF NOT HAVING BEEN IN TOUCH, WE HAD IN THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF CAUGHT UP AGAIN. HE SEEMED TO BE DOING WELL, LOVING HIS JOB AND CALIFORNIA LIFE. I FEEL SO BAD THAT I DIDN’T REALISE HE WAS PERHAPS SUFFERING. HE WAS A TRUE FRIEND AND HAD SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER THE WORLD. I AM GLAD THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TOUCH SO MANY PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA, AS HE DID IN MINNEAPOLIS. IT IS A LOSS I WILL NEVER FORGET.
I didn’t know Matt but have been touched by his story and the outpouring of responses from his former students and colleagues. I hope that the memorial service and efforts such as this wonderful tribute site will help to offer solace to those who were close to him. Thank you, and best wishes, John.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~Kahlil Gibran
Music has been an important part of my life and I’ve appreciated Matt sharing his music with me. I will miss those conversations and experiences in life with him. I can’t help thinking of him playing air guitar every time I hear certain songs on the radio.
Thank you for putting this site together.
I loved Matt as a friend. He was very nice and had a great sense of humor. He would always make me laugh as we played karate and even when we did’nt play he was always a comedien. I know he is happy and is wanting us to be happy with him.Matt was a great guyand still is.
As I am 2,000 miles away, I hope the memorial service for Matt went well and provided a positive outlet for those in attendance, especially those who were closest to Matt. Maybe somebody who was able to attend will post here. Thank you and best wishes, John.
I’m a friend from college of Matt’s little brother Nate. I was shocked to hear the news. It was always fun when he’d visit Nate at school, and then subsequently in Chicago as well. Matt was, and after college I realized it wasn’t merely because he was older than we were, much cooler than a big brother should be expected to be.
Matt and I played many characters in each others lives these past 20 years. He was an Amazing man and in the end one of my best friends that I ever could have asked for.
I remember him singing U2’s song ONE in our Apartment. He was a Rock Star even if the credentials didn’t say it. Gosh, he always could make me smile…….
My parents, sisters and I will never forget the deep souled man we knew. We loved him dearly.
Matt would want us to play now and never to forget to have some fun.
Love and Miss you Matthew……..
Annie
All of us always joked about Matt’s quarterly (actually more than that) visits to Chicago to visit Nate and see Brother Lowdown, but the truth is, we lived for his visits — and wondered what kind of shirt and hat (trucker, cowboy, bowler…) he’d pull out of the closet for the occasion. His style definitely put me to sham. One thing that always makes me smile is remembering how he and Nate and Deb decided they needed to take me out for a proper bachelorette party, and so we went to the towniest of townie bars in our old neighborhood, and Matt — who was probably the most self-consciously cool guy among us — went up to the bar with the tatooed roller derby chicks and ordered lemon drop shots because it’s what I should’ve been having at a proper bachelorette party. He told me I should appreciate how embarrassing it was as he served it. I did.
My husband — who knew Matt even longer than I did — and I are in Minneapolis now, and I feel sad that it’s a place that we’ll never really know through his eyes (aside from a roadtrip to one very drunken Jayhawks show and night on the town that we spent with him, Deb and Nate about five years ago). I envy the people who lived in this town when he was here because I imagine they were all cooler for having known somebody like him.
And I thank the people who we met at his memorial service who emphasized totally different parts of his existence. It’s especially touching to know what an impact he had on his students and colleagues and random people in San Luis Obispo (from the super-prominent to the far from prominent — which is really such a testament to the kind of guy he always will be).
Hope to meet some of you who are posting here at some point. We’ll have some really good stories to tell, I’m sure. (And he would’ve been incredibly embarrassed about us discussing him general, but you know what? That’s all right.)
I didn’t know your Matt — the thing that led me to you was a mention of Leif Enger’s Book Peace Like a River.
Sounds like he was a hell of a great guy. I’m sorry for your loss. 39 is *waaay* too early to go.
I didn’t get anywhere near enough time with Matt. I know we all feel that way. I met Matt, Nate and Deb 7 or 8 years ago, because our parents were dating and later got married. We were grown adults at the time and could have easily not been involved with each others’ lives, but that was not the case. We connected right away and have had so much fun over the years. I always thought I was U2’s biggest fan, until I met Matt! The last time I saw Matt we had a wonderful dinner and visit at Peter’s aunt’s home in Los Osos. Matt loved it, and we all loved him!
Like Emily, I had a dream about Matt last night. It was the first one since he died. He was still alive, but he was struggling with life. He came to me to ask for help, knowing i am a social worker, perhaps, but hopefully because he knew I would never turn him away. In my dream he asked me to do whatever it took to help him, he didn’t want to be in pain anymore. It was so good to see him and to be able to help him, even though it was just a dream. One of my friends who lost her mom to suicide just after we got out of college told me, “it’s never something you ‘get over,’ you just ‘get through it’ and you keep getting through it day after day.” I think it’s so true. We are all changed forever now and we will all “Walk On” with our beautiful memories, and support from everyone who loved Matt. Thank you all for sharing your honest and moving testimonials at the memorial (thank you, Emily, for posting a few of them) and for your comments here. It has helped me to be able to come to the site to feel closer to people touched by Matt, to see his picture, and remember his contribution to all of our lives. Be well, you are all in my thoughts!
Karin,
Thanks for your post. A comment you made really struck me… “it’s never something you ‘get over,’ you just ‘get through it’ and you keep getting through it day after day.” I lost a parent and have to say that what you say describes accurately what it’s like. Thank you also to all of you who posted on the memorial service. I wish I could have attended.
John.
Please help to make Matt’s the last suicide at the Cold Spring Canyon Bridge. Go to this website: stopthetragedy.org. Contact the area officials who might be able to help place suicide barriers on the bridge. The website was set up by Matt’s cousin, Jennifer, and you may help to prevent future suicides at that site.
In addition to visiting stopthetragedy.org, please sign our online petition in support of the Cold Spring Arch Bridge safety barrier:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/51/support-the-cold-spring-bridge-safety-barrier
Please help prevent future deaths. Support the barrier.
I am so sorry to hear about Matt. I am now so sad and confused myself. I was Matt’s neighbor at the University of Minnesota. We later dated after I returned from living in Germany. He always made me laugh and I truly respected him. He has always been present in my mind.
Lost touch with Matt 20 years ago on the last day of high school. I bet at least once a year I’ve found myself thinking back and wondering how Matt was and what he was up to.
We had good times together, mostly working on our comically inept basketball skills during free hours.
Have spent the better part of the morning listening to old U2 disks and remembering those days fondly.
Thanks much to the family and friends for the words and pictures on the web site. It was a great way to visit with him one last time after all these years.
Rest in peace Matt.
Bill
I miss my older brother Matt more than I can put into words. I saw Okkervil River the other night, and I nearly lost it. Matt would have loved their latest, and he and I would have picked through it note by note and word by word by the time I went to the show. And then they played “John Allyn Smith Sails.” Damn.
Like a lot of you, I’m sure, I’m yet to have more than a moment where I’m not actively thinking about him. Normally on a day like this, we would have talked on the phone, possibly planning his next trip out to Chicago. I would’ve annoyed him with Onion, Pitchfork and political news forwards. And, without a doubt, he would have made some comment or joke that would have made me laugh my ass off.
Emily, thanks so much for putting this wonderful site together. Mom and Jenny, thanks for your tireless work to ensure that a barrier will be built at the Cold Spring Arch Bridge. And thanks to everyone for your messages here and for your support. Matt would have been so embarrassed by this outpouring of emotion, but so flattered, too.
For more comments about Matt, visit http://www.legacy.com/StarTribune/GB/GuestbookView.aspx?PersonId=117789059
– Such a sweet photo of Matt & Chandra! Congrats to them and congrats to you both too! Can’t wait to see all the llitte babies running around!!!
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Matt has really been on my mind more than usual the past few days. I miss him. Thinking about all of you too! xoxo!
Today is December 30th. I am really missing Matt a lot today. And I know for those of us in Chicago, he is really on our minds right now. Matt always came here for New Years. It was the best. The only hard part was keeping up with him for the time he was here. Nate and I used to joke about running out of energy by New Year’s Eve because we’d be out with Matt the three nights before. I was lying in bed this morning trying to think of all the New Years we have all celebrated together. I know Matt was here for at least the last 4 or 5. Going backwards: Jason’s party (right?), Graham and Rebecca’s party (first time we met Jill), Raconteurs/breakfast at Nate and Deb’s/bowling/party at Lisa and I’s, and last year at G & R’ then the Hideout. Was Matt also here for Flaming Lips? I miss him big time today and I can’t get over the feeling that he should be here. I am going to try and take my own advice and concentrate on celebrating the time I had with him. Parties are not as fun when you’re missing the rockstar, but at least we can say we knew him when.
I will be toasting Matt this New Years, and you can be damn sure I will be toasting all of you too.
Peace and Happy New Years everyone.
This is my second attempt at this… the last submission disappeared… here it goes. I came to this website multiple times a day for about two months straight and now I come just multiple times a week. When I do visit, I’m always looking for new comments added to this – the comments – section. Today was a lucky day. Thanks so much Jamie for the comment you left above, you always seem to say the right things at the right time and I am grateful for this. I really like the idea of an open discussion about this issue as I know there are many of us out there dealing on a daily basis with this loss. Of course there is a flaw in this statement since in all of my visits to the site I have yet to contribute to this much desired dialogue…until now, (well I did about ½ hour ago but I’m not quite sure where that “comment” went).
Thoughts of Matt flood my mind and heart daily. About a month ago I went a week where this was not the case, it felt weird and quite unsettling, rest assured though, thoughts of him are back in full force. Perhaps this is partly due to what Jamie wrote about in his comment above…New Year’s Eve is at hand and there will be a gaping hole in the festivities this year. Last night though, I was lucky enough to be with Matt via a dream and I took the opportunity to grab a hug. Since we were with a large group of people playing some sort of lawn game and it was clearly inappropriate, I prepared him first by saying, “I know this is weird and perhaps a bit out of line, and I hope I do not embarrass you, but I’m going to hug you.” And I did. I’ve been cherishing it all day and I’m hoping this feeling will last long enough to support me though the next few days without him until we are successfully into the new year. And I know Jamie, you are right, we should be celebrating all of the many New Year’s escapades we shared with Matt, and I will try, but I’ll be the first to admit it’s going to be hard.
One positive bi-product of all of this is that many of you now are consistently in my thoughts and in my heart too. Thank you, for from that I gather strength in knowing I am not alone in this and please realize that neither are you. Happy New Year to you all and may we dialogue more over the next year.
Matt, I miss you and can’t help but wonder what you would have pulled out of the wardrobe this year for the big night…something smashing and well accessorized no doubt. My first beer’s for you.
Hi everyone! Oh, Deb, I do the EXACT same thing that you do! Wow, I feel so normal now … also, down to several times a week from several times a day here looking for new “comments.” I actually never got to spend New Year’s with Matt, but you better believe I’m thinking about a week from now when Peter and I DEFINITELY would have seen Matt, Nate and Deb to celebrate Karen’s birthday. I loved those visits! Nate and Deb know how much I miss Matt during our dinners now, given my tearful departure earlier this month! In so many ways I’m glad to see 2008 go, but it was the last year I got to hang out with Matt so it’s certainly bittersweet. A lot of great things happened too, which I’m actually finally able to remember and I know Matt would appreciate that! :) Thanks for continuing the dialogue; this is the most difficult think I’ve ever been through and I’m thankful I can come here and share with all of you. Cheers everyone! Be well and live gratefully! Talk soon and Happy New Year! I’ll be toasting all of you and Matt from LA! xoxo!
I had a very vivid dream about Matt last night. First time I’ve dreamed about him in a long time. It felt so real. He talked about how he came back to talk to so many of us. He told that everything was going to be okay. He also talked about visiting Lynn as well. He had a stamp on the inside of his wrist. I asked him, “there are bars in heaven?”. He laughed.
It’s so comforting to read about other’s thoughts of Matt over the holidays ….like Deb and Karin, I’ve been checking the comments section regularly but hadn’t mustered the courage until now to leave my own. As he told Andrea, Matt did visit me in a dream recently for the first time since his death. I dreamed that he had disappeared without notice and had left his apartment as it was, and we were all looking for him, panicked. In my dream, though, he did come back after a time….and we all were able to tell him in person how much we loved him and how much he had been missed. It seemed that in my dream, he understood the “gaping hole” that Deb referred to, and really felt how much he meant to all of us.
I haven’t spent the holidays with Matt in a long time, but for the past four years, I return to San Luis in January with Lucy, the dog that he and I got together. I’ve always looked forward to being able to drop by his place with Lucy in tow, grab a drink (whenever his social calendar allowed!), go on bike rides and just have him be there as my friend. I met Matt just a few months after moving to San Luis Obispo 12 years ago, and he’s been a constant part of my life since then. This is the first year that I’m not really looking forward to my six-month stint in sunny California, because nearly everywhere I go, there will be a memory of Matt that I can no longer re-live and laugh with him about. That was such a great thing about Matt – he always reminded you of the fun you’d had, the silly things you’d done or said and the laughter started all over again.
A toast to Matt tonight, and to all of you who love him. Thanks for keeping his memory alive.
Matt was my first penfriend 30 years ago, when I was a ten year old boy in Ireland, and he was the same age, growing up in Minneapolis.
We exchanged letters for a few years, and even sent mix tapes. Then we fell out of touch. I bumped into a guy at a party in Germany who went to high school with him about 12 years later, but it was not until 2005 that we first met, when I had entered his name into a search engine (having the name ‘Aydelott’ made this research easy!), and contacted him, and so we finally met at the Minneapolis Institute of Art.
I remember feeling regretful that we had not stayed in touch, as the boy that I knew only via letters had turned out to be the kind of guy that I would want to be friends with as an adult – interesting, intelligent, literate, liberal, musically inclined, and fun to be around.
But unfortunately, life and geography intervenes, despite best intentions, and we had not been in touch much since, apart from a few emails. I discovered that he died when I thought of him again, and decided to try to contact him on facebook. My sympathies to his family and friends.
I met Matt at a party on New Years Eve (December 31st, 1987) at the house of another Breck School student. I was immediately drawn to him. We spent a fun crazy night laughing and spending time with both my friends and his. The next year I ended up going to the University of Wisconsin-Madison where was studying currently. While I have not had contact with him for 20 years, I always remembered him and kind of looked up what he was doing on the Internet. Of course I was extremely upset to learn that he had taken his life recently especially when he had so much to live for. I will truly miss him. I will always remember that crazy New Year’s Eve party when I met him. He had so much character it was impossible for me to forget him all these years. I sincerely hope that now he can find the peace he must have longed for in his life.
RIP. I have missed you and always will miss you. You were the one that got away.
Amelia
Amelia, I was there at that party also, you are right, he was a one of a kind, a great guy. Hope you are well.
Mike Cavanaugh
Matt and I first met when we attended Fulton Elementary in Minneapolis, and I cherish the memories of our friendship. He came across as a funny and kind-hearted guy, but also had a maturity and intelligence that amazed me. My most vivid recollection was during class, when the teacher warned the students about the upcoming solar eclipse and how important it was to not look directly at the Sun. Matt’s instant wit kicked in and he began singing Manfred Mann’s “Blinded by the Light” out loud. The classroom erupted in surprised laughter, cementing his reputation as a hilarious and instantly likable guy to all who knew him. After 6th grade Matt and I went on to different schools, and as these things sometimes go, we lost touch.
I recently learned of Matt’s passing when a mutual classmate of ours posted the news on Facebook. Despite not being in contact for over 25 years it still hit me hard, which is a testament to the impression he left. I’m so glad that this memorial became available, so that those of us who have lost touch could catch up and learn more about his remarkable life. I would like to extend my deepest condolences to his family, friends and loved ones. My thoughts are prayers are with you.
Brian
It’s been a long time since I thought about Matt and I really miss him. I was so sad when I found out I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anybody except for Matt. I wish I could have said good bye. I miss you Matt.
This morning began with Nate’s phone ringing in the other room around 7:30 am. I jumped up and went to grab it. The number displayed on the screen was one that I did not recognize…I missed answering it anyway. No message was left as far as I know. It was not lost on me though that it was at this time two years ago that Matt made that fateful final decision in his life.
So who called? It was a local number. The mystic in me can’t help but wonder if it was him. I know this sounds really out there, and interestingly more and more to me as time passes. This saddens me because I used to be a big fan of John Edwards, not the creepy politician, but the medium. (Matt and Nate always got a big kick out of that and congruously I was amused by the fact that they did not see the sliminess in the smile of that politician.) But these days I’ve just become a bit skeptical… the end of an innocence of sorts I suppose.
I remember just weeks before Matt died we were in Maine with his cousins. One day we were driving around and Matt in the back seat out of nowhere asked us all if we believed in God. He had just finished reading The God Delusion (or is it Illusion? Not sure.) We all said how we felt. I remember saying that I must believe in something because I actively talk to something or someone daily. Specifically with people in my life who have died.
In the weeks, months and now years that he has been out of reach I still do attempt to communicate with him, but can’t help but wonder if I’m just grasping at straws here to keep him a part of my life.
On my way in to work today I decided to listen to Coldplay, Viva la Vida. An album he was really into at the end of his life. One lyric says, “Those who are dead, are not dead, they’re just living in my head.” So perhaps he’s not out there per se, but instead just in my head.
I recognize though that I must have some hope/faith that he is here with us in some way or another, because I just can’t help but wonder who called Nate this morning at 7:30 am.
Today on the two-year anniversary of his death, I hope all of you touched by Matt’s life and death are well and have found ways to continue to connect with him in your lives.
Deb,
All of us here at Cuesta had our own unique experiences this past weekend of Matt letting us know he is still part of us and with us. I think he must have been busy letting all of us that love him know he loves us. Throughout the past two years we’ve all talked about our Matt moments and the smiles or sadness they bring to us.
I don’t feel you are grasping at straws to keep him part of your life that is exactly where he should be. I think of you all everyday. Take care.
I still see Matt down an alie at a grocery store, in a car. I could not attend his services at that time. I will always remember my well-dressed friend walking into a meeting just a little past meeting time, but forever the entrance.
Matt,
This weekend is the Breck 25 year reunion, you will be sorely missed. Erika Arndt is planning a tribute, we were all blessed to be a part of your life, you are truly missed.
I love you Matt. I won’t forget the music you shared with me and everything else you did for me that words can’t explain.
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I just wanted to leave a reminder comment about Matt. I’m sure none of us have forgotten about him and we all think about him, but I just felt compelled to post it here. I just wanted to say that Matt had such a strong influence in my life specifically in my comedic and musical side of my personality. I won’t forget the music he showed me and laughs he gave me. Cheers to Matt.
Hi out there.
Today is ten years since Matt died. Ten years. Isn’t that hard to believe? I can still picture him with such clarity and dimension that, honestly, it seems impossible to me that he is dead. And the feeling that he is just right around the corner, that he is still smiling and waiting to crack a beer with you at any moment, that feeling is such an incredible blessing and a curse.
It’s odd, though, because I have now spent more time remembering Matt and mourning his death than I spent being part of his life. It is always a strange sensation to me when the time we spend remembering someone actually becomes a sort of life of its own. So, today, I am filled with memories of Matt and also with memories of mourning Matt. Part of me needs the space to be still and recapture sitting on Lake George with Matt the day before Nate and Deb’s wedding. But, in a strange way, part of me also needs to think back on moments like the first anniversary of his death when Deb was pregnant with Eloise and we went to the graveyard on a perfect September day to toast Matt and, of course, Mary J. Bone.
So, what does that mean? What does it mean when this life of mourning becomes a thing to mourn itself? I don’t really know. I guess, at least on one level, it means we simply didn’t have enough time with Matt, and, as a way to extend that time, we have created a new life for him.
But, I also think it means Matt wanted to be celebrated. I think it means despite all of the pain Matt was in – and the pain we all felt (and feel) in the wake of his death – he wanted to be someone who should be celebrated. Right? I mean, he is someone who should be celebrated! I hope he knew that. He must have known that.
I think this is all just a long way of saying I feel lucky to celebrate my friend Matt; I feel lucky to have such dear friends to celebrate him with; and I feel lucky we have created a Matt-filled life after his death. My heart goes out to all of you today who, in your own ways I am sure, can still feel Matt right around the corner, can still feel him about to walk in the room any second, put you at ease, and share his light.
Thank you, Matt. We knew you when, you are with us now.
– Jamie.
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